are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
