In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize