If that was your dad, he is hot
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
