GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
