maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
