I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
We need to rekindle our bromance
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
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