it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
God I need to hump something, right now.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
