sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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