fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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