Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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