Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
