she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
