i think i have two assholes
accomplished twins. life is a go
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
