I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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