it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
