i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
