Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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