I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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