You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
