I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize