awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
birth control should be required to get into college
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
