Just took my morning after pill in the library
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
