so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
