the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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