I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
