yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
