puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
