Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize