i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Randomize
