I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
