Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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