It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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