Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I just forgot I was standing up.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
