Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
