ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize