broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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