Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
