WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
