I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
