good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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