Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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