if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
