John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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