My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Randomize
