Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
