they need to just BURY HIM!
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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