I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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