Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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