Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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