May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
