I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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