I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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