I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize