I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
