This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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